Beijing Olympics; Spackers know best

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Dave Hynes

Fed up of the prospect of seeing short, yellow, fascist, collective-over-the-individual, one-sexed babies, weird fucking sino-wankers all over the Tv over the forthcoming two weeks? Answer; watch the paraolympics instead, possibly the cruellest, politically-correct load of dogshit since the 1930s policy of appeasing Adolf Shuckelgruber;

I once watched the paraolympics and i couldn’t believe people were cheering on ‘olympians’ who could barely even walk let alone sprint. What kind of sick fucks are you- this is cruel and must neccessarily stop. I have nothing against disabled people whatsoever and i agree that a disability should, where appropriate, be overlooked to find the integrity of the inner being. Still, i can not reconcile this genuine feeling that disabled people have an inner dignity, a quiet dignity, which offers perspective on life to those more able-bodied counterparts, with the idea that we should be showcasing them in the quaterannual celebration of the perfection of the human body. The Olympics began in Ancient Greece and was always concerned with aesthetics and the human ideal. Spackers were obviously not high on the agenda of inclusion, not even Spartan ones that hide in clever tactical niches in cliff formations with 299 other fascist cunts.

Yes, the Paraolympics is cruel, we can celebrate the able-bodied human body without guilt to those who are not able-bodied. Watching one-armed lunatics finish the race in twice the time a fat bastad like me me can is no celebration of humanity, it’s a sick joke made by those who surely go home to a gimp mask in a basement most nights.

The last time i watched a paraolympics event it was the 100 metre front crawl final. One contestant had only one arm, the other only one leg, and, amazingly, the final contestant was just a head-JUST A HEAD, can you believe it ( as in without a body at all not as in ‘in the lead’

As the umpire or whatever the hell their called fired the gun the contestants dived into the pool. Quell surpris, the head sank to the bottom and had to be rescued from drowning. When asked whether he felt it had been rather ambitious and cavalier to enter, the brave man replied, ‘normally i’m okay, but i had cramp in my ears’

your all sick cunts


Barry Manilow; ‘i thought she was over sixteen’

Barry Manilow today confessed to outrageous indecent acts at a primary school in Yorkshire, working incognito as a drama and music teacher. Manilow, ostracised from the UK music industry since his outspoken defence of Gary Glitter’s behaviour in Malaysia, has been unrepentant about the wicked acts he committed over the summer semester.

Manilow apparently encouraged those children in whom he saw musical promise to ‘stay behind’ after class for additional support. As he propped their delicate little bodies on the same stool he sat on at his grand piano, he would gently caress their hands saying ‘ i can make you filthy rich and a star overnight….. IF you suck my throbbing cock and let me stick it in your ear’.

The wider crisis is not in fact Manilow’s latest attempt to cajole kids into the vice trade. How he was allowed to work at the school undetected, even under the guise of Bruno Jackson, remains unclear. Three years ago Manilow was himself expelled from a primary in County Durham for , in the words of forensic expert Pat Butcher ‘ sick fucking acts so shameful decorum prevents their true expression. All i will say is that he fucked in the head- big style’ Manilow reportedly used the teeth of children of different races to substitute lost piano keys. His trumpet was also made mostly of infant flesh, and the rim of the horn was actually a preserved anus hole of a very, very, very young human being. Reportedly Manilow would appear at school drunk, erect and indecisive. A clear peadophile Manilow has been wanted by authorities for tying up children in the gymnasium. Manilow allegedly used them as a ‘horse’ trapeze as he flung his ageing naked body around, screaming ‘ i was better than elvis’

The rampant pervert has been on the run for years but was apprehended after his boyfriend, Jeff, said enough was enough.

Film Review; Disco Pigs

If you were expecting a pack of porkers girating , making shapes and moving it to the phat ones you’ll be disappointed, but at least someone is mauled by a glass ashtray. No i’m only joking this film is about pigs who are addicted to hip-hop and dance,

The film opens with adeeply disturbing farm scene where that most leekiest of ills was occuring, that deadly scene of godless woe, putting even the chianti-supping ,face -robbing, fat cunt Anthony Hopkins to shame, that worst of all possible worlds, i am refering of course to Welshman silencing their lambs.

A sick interlude see a man called Dafyd or sohighonsmackhe’llsuckyouoff to his mates slaughtering sheep and later pigs. The sheep are sheepish, docile and confused and provide weak resistance to his massacre.

The disco piggies, some kitted out in flairs, other in police uniforms and many of them high on MDMA and liquid lsd are more difficult to kill. They dance, oink and know how to party. They spin on their twirly little piggy tails and they know how to rape humans.

The ultimate disco pig was a black pot-bellied monster, blinged with jewellery and dying froma painful yeast infection which has developed into aids, who drops sick beat after sick beat and works the crowd like a pro.

A cockeral finishes the film, looking regal and divorced form the mayhem, perched on a farm house roof, like Achilles despondent on the Hellespont, and oversees the human on sheep rape and the reprisal from the piglets, dancing on their human pray in wild ecstasy and generally frying them up for a bit of a full english the next morning.

not a bad film but would have liked to have seen some pussy

Anyway i digress.

Big Bottom is Smelling You

So are we all becoming too voyeuristic as a society? Do we all like to watch each other watching each other, on the television, on CCTV, on the internet, and predominantly through Big Bottom, the great arsepipe down below transmitting the sights and sounds of civil distress and codifying them into a complex excretion of cat shit, flung into the mouths of our demogogue politicans, formulated into strategy, policy, spin and then into more paper mache poo droppings

I think the answer is that one huge arsehole dropping down a few brown submarines is healthy enough for the future current of society,. Supply and demand only gets a society so far, but there are shortcomings to welfare initiatives and central government too. Government via the Brown Bomber, Gordon Brown’s new policy of spraying dog shit on himself to look more like Joe Louis, is more effective and bio-degradeable. Environmental concerns are put on the bumburner given the high methane emissions, but they are at a slightly lower rate still than usual for Gordon’s antics at least

But even flying poo pigeons which explode after they land can only satisfy a British public so far. We love shit but we won’t take shit, and we’re noticing that the Brown Bomber strategy occasionally gets our clothes dirty and smelly. The reverbarating ripples emanating from the sploosh of our toilet seat now sets of a chain reaction of floating puddles of foeces stained brown bits and riperion cess pits and a stream of diarhoea tsunami’s which only Thai lady boys find charming- dirt-stained, nasty fucking mixed up, issue-laden scam cats that those cunts are

what i’m trying to say is that there’s a big arse which wants to take a poo on you, like a really big poo that smells and looks horrible. It’s so pungent that even the sun hides away from its menacing glare. Yes, a great radiating dollop of ochre slime is waiting to smell you, have you got the appropriate security to buck this faceless trend of dog shit?
f you haven’t i consider adopting the Anti Brown Bomber pro Semen Shaker and i’d take out travel insurance, you’re gonna need it……

Simon Cowell ‘fucks kids’

The Institute for Kindergarten protection has discovered Simon Cowell dripping his nob cheese into a four year olds eye-ball. Cowell apparently mimics the ‘chu-chu’ sounds of a train as he slaps his cock around the young girl’s face, asking her to show him ‘the respect he deserves’. This is Cowell’s second offence in as many hours.

Cowell recently embarked on an RSPCC initiative to do a sponsored music vocal training course at various nursery and primary schools around the UK. His first week in Bristol saw Cowell, now a fat ageing cunt, to shove celery up his bottom and have the disabled kid eat it for his lunch. Cowell has also offered personal donations to Leed’s Primary school’s milk scheme. Most concerned feel this may be the last nail in the Cowell coffin, with friends and foe alike proclaiming he is finished in entertainment. Cowell says he ‘will continue to buttress the love of Jim Bowen’, the WIgan comedian found rimming Cowell as a teenager in Luton.

Cowell’s spat with the Irish fuckmonkey Louis ‘arsepipe’ Walsh led to his extraordinary and infamous schism over last year’s Pop Idol winner. Seventeen stone, black, lesbian and with only one boob, the Amazonian -esque Pippa Potamus, 9, Mozambique was accused of being the benficiary of positive discrimination- particularly for her winning soundless war dance which draw such heavy plaudits form Walsh- causing the cunt to utter the now immortal words in his defence of his support for Pippa; ‘i like the fat birds, i’m sorry, i just really like the fat birds.

Whenasked about Cowell’s latest stint in the classroom, cockmuncher Walsh, with penis spilling over into his beloved Guinness pint and with a strage smile spread across his face declared Cowell enjoyed ‘so much bum love with infants he had become a major cause of global warming in the south of England’

Walsh himslef denies claims of peadophiolia, made last year during his own ‘fit kinds’ programme last year. Walsh, however, does concede he was the one shown on the CCTV cameras with the balaclava in the playground. In court Walsh had argued vehemently it was cold and he a had a massive spot on his face, he also claims, later dismissed in court, that his pants were too big for him. The erection, considered coincidental to the brutal assault with the chainsaw was ‘like a rudder for my swings, i came only through my virtouso handling of the rotating swordfish and its dastardly gnashing teeth, it was really exciting. Chainsaws and kids, who wouldn’t splash a few drops of man love to that old chestnut’. Walsh later ammended his defence, claiming the victim ran face first in his penis and the impact caused instant ejaculation.

For Cowell the horizon now looks bleak. Rejecting the accusation’s over his recent debacle in Bangkok, Cowell affirms he is still on the search for that elusive x-Factor child. Baby Idol continues next week with a special feature on child racism by Trevor McDonald, showing us all how it’s properly done as he abuses honkies for their hairstyles.

Threesome Scandal; Gordon Brown, Dave Cameron and Geoff Hoon

The House of Commons erupted today after Gordon Brown dropped something of a political Hiroshima as he finally admitted sexual relations between his arch nemesis Dave Cameron and favourite gimp-mask wearer Geoff Hoon, a man described by Brown recently as ‘ a wee terrier with a Chief Whip in his hand’ and ‘ a massive feckin bumboy ken’

The 3month affair apparently started with a kiss between Hoon and Cameron at a Mardi Gras gay pride festival in Bradford in April 2008. The star-crossed lovers had been discussing Brown’s fiscal stance, with Cameron criticising Hoon’s party leader for high spending levels. Hoon, himself heavily implicated with the raping of Michael Portillo in Calton Hill, Edinburgh last year, said he didn’t really care but if Cameron would be a hard Thatcherite he’d be a Leftist wet juicy pineapple hole lubricated upon precise specifications for maximum jubilation, penetration and naughty, nice and narcissistic sensations and yes he could call him Cindy if he liked

Recently, Hoon’s parliamentary behaviour has become increasingly erratic as he steps up his personal campaign to become elected ‘lifestyle campaign fascist’ for the neo-SS septuagenarian group, ‘We like to put fingers up our bottoms, smell them, sell them, and do you all over on crafty pension scheme infrastructure given that we soon will have all the fucking power’ does not deny the charges but was unavailable for comment. Hoon was last seen on Prime Minister’s questions wearing a black lycro mask with a snooker ball taped around his mouth. Hoon, adorning a green thong, had a skull and cross bones tattoo and was wielding a plastic cat-o-nine-tails slapping Brown and generally rousing the Labour back benchers in a state of raging stupour.

Brown was asked to control his rebel and had to interrupt Cameron’s grilling form the opposite side of the house to tell ‘daddy’s little trooper’ to ‘get hame and get fonky’. As Brown turned to accept his applause from his party members after surviving another steamy session, he revealed two large holes in his trousers, around the buttocks, with soar-looking red abrasion marks. Mr Cameron was excitable thoughout the session, and even knocked the microphone off the stand with his stonker as played around in the shadows. The Prince of Darkness’ Budget Report comes later today

This was indeed a tumultuous day in the House of Commons history as the threesome was finally admitted by this centrist, cross-partizan trinity of love. Scenes reminiscent of a Roman Orgy with the added sentimentality of a Catholic confession, ensued with many politicans flocking to the other side of the House to make pillow talk. The usually more frigid Liberals also girated their waists heavily and drank the blood of Thatcher’s last political period, preserved in the nectar of Dave Cameron’s semen, now, with all the gusto and ferocity of a fire hydrant, was causing a deluge of sticky population paste to burst open the locked doors of the Commons and wreak havoc in London .

Of particular interest was the inner discussions of the Cameron-Brown-Hoon triumvirate, three men seemingly magnetized to each other through a deep hearted warmth and lust. Cameron was found apologized for the way they attacked Bevan’s NHS Bill, Brown said he wish Thatcher was still here to sort out the riff-raff and Hoon was being taken every which way but loose, Hoon was also the victim of a retaliatory brutal ronson assault by Portillo, dirty fucking bumlord that the ugly, swell-lipped cunt undoubtedly is.

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